After dealing with the roller coaster that is pregnancy after infertility, I fully expected to wait another several years before trying again for a baby. I knew it would take strength to prepare myself for month after month of disappointment, and I didn’t know how I would handle that with a toddler running around.
Following much discussion over the holidays, we set our tentative start date for our fifth wedding anniversary, the first of May. We would have the next five months to lose the weight we wanted, save the money we were hoping, and get ourselves into a better mental state for the trying process. My cycles were regular for the first time in years, and I didn’t want to mess that up by going on the pill. So I was tracking my cycles using a few different phone apps, we were avoiding my ‘fertile’ week, and I figured we were good to go.
Did you know that sometimes with PCOS (and other fertility issues), pregnancy can act as a reset button? And did you know that one slight slip up, days after you were SUPPOSED to be ovulating, can result in pregnancy (even though two years of carefully timed sex led to nothing?)
I was assuming that weaning K was the reason that my cycle was a little bit off in January. But when I was a day or two late, I tested. The test was stark white, and I broke down crying. I knew we weren’t ready for a baby, I knew that the timing wasn’t right (we hadn’t saved enough, I was still 10lbs over pre-pregnancy weight), but at the same time, I was heartbroken that this wonky cycle wasn’t due to pregnancy. But then, several days later, when my cycle still hadn’t ended, I took another test. And within two minutes, two blue lines stared back at me.
Despite our plans to wait, God had other ideas for our family.
I’m in shock, completely overwhelmed and absolutely thrilled. While we plan, God laughs (or so the saying goes). I’ve had a little time now to adjust to the idea, and while I’m terrified of what having two kids is going to be like, I’m so excited to see K as a big sister, and I’m excited to see what kind of family dynamic we will have as four instead of three. I’m looking forward to new baby snuggles and tiny clothes and nursing again.
I’m worried about lack of sleep. Forget sleeping while baby sleeps when there’s a toddler running around. What about naps? What about bedtimes? Am I ever going to get time alone? I’m thinking about double the baby laundry, and twice as many diapers, and more STUFF. What if this baby’s a boy? I don’t know what to do with a boy!
And yet, I find that place of calm. I breathe, and know that God has a plan. I was terrified about having one baby, and that turned out wonderfully. I know life with this baby will be just as great. So before I turn to my list-making and Excel-chart planning, I’m just going to relax and enjoy what the next eight months have to bring. I will have to be a lot more intentional when it comes to enjoying this pregnancy, because its so easy to get carried away with the everyday goings-on of life. And seeing as this is most likely our last baby, I want to make every moment count.