I’ve posted a whole lot of recipes as of late, and very little about what’s going on with me. I know the recipes are the interesting part, so I don’t feel TOO bad about that. Plus, you’d much rather see a photo of a brownie than a block of text. But bear with me. There’s a word-flood coming, and its sadly chocolate-less.

As we’ve spent this whole month thermometer-less, we’ve really been considering the past year and a bit. Honestly, its been more exhausting than I realized. Its taken up the foremost 3/4 of my brain, and I’ve forgotten what its like to wake up in the morning and not immediately wonder what my temperature did over night. To go pee and not be wondering whether frequent urination is a pregnancy symptom. To have NO IDEA what my body is doing at any given moment. Its been nervewracking. Its been strangely liberating.

But these changes haven’t come without a whole lot of anxiety. You can’t just give up a habit cold turkey. I see the Fertility Friend app on my phone, and I get a pang of longing for everything it represents. I see my thermometer in the bathroom drawer, where its been banished, and I feel knives in my gut when I think about all of those lost days. How can I even think about abandoning this dream, even for a short time?

I’ve been fighting with God this week. I know, in my head, that He has a plan – that things are going to turn out better than I could imagine if I listen to Him. I know that I need to surrender this process; that He hears the deepest desires of my heart. But convincing my heart that same thing? Convincing type-A, analytical, organized, planning me that I need to LET GO and LET GOD do what He wants? That’s a bit more of a struggle. My prayer has been IF NOT THIS, THEN WHAT? If not a baby, now, then what is it you have for me? What do you have that is better than this?

Its a journey. It will be even more of a journey when my period finally gets here (I’m CD43, everyone), and I have to decide whether I’m going to listen to ME, or whether I’m going to surrender to God.

Please tell me I’m not the only one battling this?

13 thoughts on “Musings

  1. I personally come here for your words, not the recipes (I can’t bake to save my life), so I’m glad to see this post.
    I don’t think you’re alone in this experience. While I am no longer actively involved in any kind of spiritual orientation, I know I’ve seen other posts about trying to find this same balance between doing everything you can on your own and surrendering to something higher. I really hope that you’re able to find the right balance for you. And I hope that you have your BFP very soon. This journey is exhausting.

    • Thank you, that’s wonderful to hear. I like knowing my words aren’t just hitting a wall and bouncing back. Its tough to find the words to say when my updates seem always the same…no ovulation, no period, no change. But we’re all stuck on the same track, and at least we have each other for support.

  2. You are SO not the only one battling with this. It’s a constant struggle for me. I’m a control-freak and to let God have control freaks me out…even though I know I really control very little. That’s what my miscarriage taught me. That I can do everything I can, but in the end, it’s all in God’s hands. I just pray, pray, pray and hope God will lead the way. It’s a constant process for me. I have to put it in God’s hands over and over again. So you’re not alone! And I hope you enjoy your break…it sounds liberating!

  3. I still visit my FF page just to track how long my cycles are, but I stopped temping/tracking fertility signs years ago. It was HORRIBLE. I was really struggling to let go and it was difficult for months to stop obsessing.

    I totally understand what you’re feeling. I can tell you it gets easier once your first waking thought is not about your fertility. It is VERY freeing!

  4. Tears were streaming down my face as I read your post. Lately I’ve been struggling with letting go of our own plans and dreams and trying to leave it up to God…it’s a daily fight to surrender everything and just rely on Faith and Hope to get through. I, too, believe that His plans will be better than any we could ever make, but it’s very hard to acknowledge that those plans for us might not included our own biological children…I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you’ll do the same.

    • You bet I will. I’m amazed at how many people are dealing with the same emotions right now. We’re obviously in this place for a reason, even of its hard to see. Praying for you, and all of the other women who are dealing with the same thing.

  5. Stopping in for ICLW. I stopped tracking using Fertility Friend simply because my stuff seemed pretty much impossible to track (thank you so much PCOS), but I do tend to go overboard with other things that I am able to do/monitor. Taking a break though can be good for the mind, body & soul – I’ve noticed that this seems to be the season to do it, I’m currently on a bit of a break as are some other bloggers I follow. I really look forward to following your blog – Words, Recipes, Pictures & all. Best of luck!

  6. Count me in on the “not alone” bandwagon. I suspect there’s more of us out there that doubt and question God during our infertility struggles. It’s been 8 years for me, and while I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I might never have a living baby (2 miscarriages) or a biologically related to me child, I still have my moments. It wasn’t until I delved deeper into my faith that the peace began settling over me. It’s not something that was easy, believe me. And I still fight with the doubt and questioning. But, I still believe God has an amazing plan for me, for all of us, and what we are going through will only make us stronger and better parents because of it.
    I can relate to the phone app…I have one called iPeriod. Every time I open it, there is a little blurb at the bottom that says “iPeriod, a companion of iPregnant”. Every single time I see it, I think “but iNotPregnant. 😦 Then I giggle because I’m goofy like that!
    I will keep you in my prayers, and I look forward to following your blog and reading more about you. I love your tagline, BTW…if only it WAS that easy!


  7. Know exactly how you feel… I battle b/n control and resigning to me all the time. I hope you find peace when your AF arrives and that you’re heart leads you in the right direction for you xoxo

  8. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Currently best friends with the world of infertility. And I hate her. On CD50 or something crazy like that for me. Sick of charting BBT clearly I’m not ovulating. One day at a time! I love that you include baking in your blog!

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