I’ve posted a whole lot of recipes as of late, and very little about what’s going on with me. I know the recipes are the interesting part, so I don’t feel TOO bad about that. Plus, you’d much rather see a photo of a brownie than a block of text. But bear with me. There’s a word-flood coming, and its sadly chocolate-less.
As we’ve spent this whole month thermometer-less, we’ve really been considering the past year and a bit. Honestly, its been more exhausting than I realized. Its taken up the foremost 3/4 of my brain, and I’ve forgotten what its like to wake up in the morning and not immediately wonder what my temperature did over night. To go pee and not be wondering whether frequent urination is a pregnancy symptom. To have NO IDEA what my body is doing at any given moment. Its been nervewracking. Its been strangely liberating.
But these changes haven’t come without a whole lot of anxiety. You can’t just give up a habit cold turkey. I see the Fertility Friend app on my phone, and I get a pang of longing for everything it represents. I see my thermometer in the bathroom drawer, where its been banished, and I feel knives in my gut when I think about all of those lost days. How can I even think about abandoning this dream, even for a short time?
I’ve been fighting with God this week. I know, in my head, that He has a plan – that things are going to turn out better than I could imagine if I listen to Him. I know that I need to surrender this process; that He hears the deepest desires of my heart. But convincing my heart that same thing? Convincing type-A, analytical, organized, planning me that I need to LET GO and LET GOD do what He wants? That’s a bit more of a struggle. My prayer has been IF NOT THIS, THEN WHAT? If not a baby, now, then what is it you have for me? What do you have that is better than this?
Its a journey. It will be even more of a journey when my period finally gets here (I’m CD43, everyone), and I have to decide whether I’m going to listen to ME, or whether I’m going to surrender to God.
Please tell me I’m not the only one battling this?